The Anatomy of a Highly Effective Apology

I can't even begin to count how many times people have told me that someone has said 'Sorry' to them without knowing what they were apologizing for.  Not only is the apology ineffective, it increases the amount of resentment in the one who was wronged leading to a deeper level of hurt and distrust.

If your intent to apologize is sincere, do it correctly!  

Here is the anatomy of a sincere and effective apology:

1. Acknowledge / describe what you did that was hurtful.

2. Acknowledge / describe the pain, suffering and damage that your actions inflicted on the other.

3. Sincerely (speak from your heart) apologize for what you did and the pain it has caused.

4. Describe what you have learned from the experience and your goals for changing your behavior so that this will never happen again.

5. Acknowledge that you understand 'talk is cheap' and that it will be your behavior not your words which, over time, will earn back the trust of the other.
6. Pay special attention to HOW you deliver the message: tone and volume of voice, facial expressions, body language and attitude. Remember: how you deliver the message is part of the message itself.

Following this, give the person you're apologizing to time to absorb what you have said and perhaps even ask some questions. Keep in mind that just because you're ready to apologize, it doesn't mean the other person is ready to hear it.

Try not to get on the defensive when questions are asked and note that when the hurt has gone very deep, you will most likely have to repeat these steps a few times. If the relationship is truly important to you, you will have no doubts about doing this.

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You miss 100% of the shots you don't take

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" -Wayne Gretzky

It's okay if you don't succeed or do things perfectly every time you try something new. In fact, no one succeeds at everything the first time.

Attempting something, making mistakes, evaluating, making changes to what you did and trying again (and then repeating this process over and over again) is just part of the process. 

The greatest setback in your life will not be if you fail, it will be if you don't try at all.

So, let this be the day that you step out of your comfort zone and strive for something greater. If you need training to prepare for it, reach out and get it. If you need some moral support, ask for it, just make sure you try! :)

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Teen and Young Adult Depression

Here is a fantastic site for teens and young adults dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. Please forward this link on to others. You could be saving a life! 
www.copingvsmoping.com.

Of all the lies you were ever told

Of all the lies you were ever told, the worst, and by far the most damaging, is the one that led you to believe that you are not good enough.

This could never be true. That you have lessons to learn, yes. That you have made mistakes and hurt others, yes again, in fact who can honestly say they haven't,  but that you are, at the most fundamental level of your being 'not good enough', no.


To those who told you this, say:

"No thank you. I don't accept what you're saying to be true. If there are lessons to learn, I will learn them. If there are changes I need to make in myself, I will make them but I choose to do so from a place of Power and not from being diminished and devalued as a human being."  

And then, from this place of Power show compassion because it is only someone so deeply wounded who could find it useful to hurt another in this way. 

Don't pass the pain on. Be the courageous agent of change who stands up and says, it stops here, it stops with me.


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The Emotional Detox Diet: Consume less, Give more

Over the years you have, no doubt, heard of many diets and wellness plans for optimal health.

When distilled to their core elements, most of them speak of consuming fewer bad foods, eating more healthy foods, drinking lots of water to flush out toxins and stay hydrated, supplementing with vitamins and other nutritional supports to fortify your body and of course, being more physically active to burn of the unwanted pounds.

Well, how about using this model for optimal Emotional health? As I see it, the Emotional Detox and Wellness Diet would look something like this:

1. Consume less: anger, impatience, resentment, judgment, fear, apathy, addictive behaviours and negative thoughts

2. Give more: consideration, tolerance, understanding, support, encouragement, forgiveness, compassion and Love

3. Cleanse and Hydrate your emotional body by thinking thoughts that fill you with Hope, Joy and Inspiration


4. Fortify your life by surrounding yourself with positive, uplifting people and a loving, encouraging support system

5. Burn off old, toxic emotional energy by doing things that make you glad to be alive, bring a smile to someone's face and make a positive difference in the world. 

Seriously, shouldn't we all be on an Emotional Detox and Wellness Diet?  :) 


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Slow down!

Prolonged stress does unbelievable damage to your life, so in the best interest of your physical, mental and emotional health....slow down!

Here is a great link that will give you practical ways to slow down your very busy and demanding life. If you're unable to  click on it, cut and paste it into your browser.

http://brightdays.wordpress.com/2007/12/03/12-tips-to-help-you-slow-down-and-relax/

Remember, the key to making long lasting change is to do one new thing consistently and repeatedly over time and you'll soon find that it feels like a normal way of living.  So just start with one tip at a time, do it until you master it, then move on to the next one.

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Darkness cannot remain dark in the presence of Light

It is precisely into those areas that keep us from our greatness, that we must step.

Being diminished through control, bullying, manipulation and deceit as well as our self-generated shadows of lies, resentment, apathy, addiction etc. lessens the integrity with which we live life, wounds the truth of who we are and asks that we settle for less.

And this is exactly what we must not do, for each time we allow ourselves to 'turn a blind eye', let things slide or be beaten down, we give more of our power away.

Darkness cannot remain dark in the presence of Light. When we summon up the courage to face the things that control us, they lose power over us and we reclaim our Dignity.

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Seek first to Understand

Have you noticed how Reactive you are? We all are.  Before the person we're speaking with has even finished what they're saying, we've already decided what our opinion is on the matter. The opportunity for misunderstanding is so great that it's a wonder we communicate at all!

I believe a sign of intelligence, not to mention evolution, is to make sure we have as much information and have understood the other as much as possible, before responding.

So today, why not make it your priority to first understand the other. Truly listen, ask questions, clarify what you've heard and when you're sure you've thoroughly understood what was intended, then respond. You'll find that this:

1. Greatly reduces misunderstandings
2. Fulfills one of our most basic needs as human beings, which is to be heard
3. Creates a climate of communication where even if the other disagrees with your opinion, they are more likely to be open to what you have to say because they feel their thoughts were received respectfully.
4. Increases the quality of communication tremendously 

Share your experiences of doing this by posting a comment!

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The Power to create Change

At any given instant you are both the individual droplet of water in the ocean and the Ocean itself. 

What I mean by this is that you are an individual being, complete with your joys, sorrows, courage, fears and gifts and at the same time, you are a vital part of the Whole: family, community, town, country and Humanity itself. And there in lies your power to be an extraordinary agent of change.  

At the microscopic level, when that tiny droplet of water raises its frequency by cleansing the pollutants it has been carrying and purifies itself, the quality of the Whole at the macro level is positively affected. 


We are often overwhelmed by the issues that are taking place in the world around us; oil spills, natural disasters, wars etc., and to find a way to make a difference  when our own lives are so demanding, can be daunting.

But this little analogy of the water droplet illustrates how you can, in fact, make powerful changes.


Start with yourself! Turn your eyes inwards and locate an area of your thoughts,feelings and behaviors that are heavy and non-productive, then make it your focus to think, feel and do differently on that one issue. It won't happen instantly but keep at it and it will change, you will change and therefore, so will the world around you.

This, I believe, is what Gandhi meant when he said "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." He profoundly understood the power of One.

Now imagine what would happen if many, many 'droplets' did this :)

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Joy is a Choice

Recently, some children said to me "You're always happy" and this got me thinking.....

During the past 4 years of my life I have lost 7 loved ones, not acquaintances, but those who I held close to my heart. In what can only be described as a shock of seismic proportion, a huge part of the loving, emotional landscape of my life disappeared.

I didn't know my heart could withstand so much loss and still survive. Even more surprising to me was that while I was experiencing the tremendous grief of losing one loved one after another, deep inside, behind the heartbreak, I could still sense the Joy (albeit faint) that I have come to know as my essential nature.

Don't get me wrong, I have cried more tears than I knew I had. When driving I would often have to pull my car over to the side of the road because I couldn't see clearly for all the tears in my eyes. Sometimes the pain was so intense, it was all I could do to breathe into the next moment. Still, there was never a doubt that the part of me I nourish, cherish, support and protect was intact and the only thing greater than the profound grief I was experiencing was the profound sense of certainty that the love, joy and strength within me was greater than the pain. Knowing this, I could surrender to the grief allowing myself to feel it, know it and be with it until it shifted, something essential to the healing process.

How did I have this within me? I developed it.  It has been an unwavering choice, followed by behaviour I have aligned with this choice, practiced everyday.

I choose Joy. I could have chosen anything: despair, bitterness, anger, powerlessness etc. and in aligning my behaviors with any of these, my life would be a reflection of those choices. However, I decided to choose Joy and to see and experience it in all its forms even when the people and events around me seem to indicate the opposite. This is my right as a human being and it is yours, too.

This is also an incredibly powerful place from which to live because you will not be solely dependent upon things outside of yourself to make you feel good, happy, safe or joyous.

Stay tuned for the continuation of this thought in my next blog. Thanks for visiting!